Why You Feel Like You Don't Belong

Surrounding ourselves with different kinds of people helps us figure out who we are and who we’re not;

where we fit and where we do not fit in

what we value in other people and what we do not value.

Those things are important to understand about ourselves, because as human beings we need

to feel a sense of belonging, to feel like we can relate to and understand other people,

and that they can understand us back—it’s deeply rooted in us.

But what if you end up feeling like you don’t belong anywhere?

What if you’re at a place that you don’t want to be, but you don’t know where else to go?

In 2018, it was time for me to move back to Sweden after having lived in the US for two years.

Two years that somehow felt like a lifetime of experiences and lessons.

But when I landed in Stockholm and got off the plane, I didn’t feel like home at all.

I met with old friends. I went to all the usual spots—but it felt different

There was a feeling of disconnect.

And I remember thinking

What if I don’t belong here anymore?

And if I don’t, then where do I belong?

Although we’re all in different boats, carrying different luggage, heading in different directions,

we do have something in common: we all want to feel like we belong.

We need to feel like we belong.

Somewhere.

Anywhere.

And yet, the feeling of not belonging is one of the most universal of all human experiences.

And often times, we become so desperate to belong that we try to mold ourselves into

what we think society or friends or family expects of us. We force ourselves to become someone we’re not.

We do things we don’t want to do. We go places we don’t want to go. We hang out with people we don’t want to hang out with.

We lose ourselves, all in the hopes of finding our place in this world.

I spent the first few days back in Stockholm trying to figure out what was wrong.

What was it that had changed? And so I started thinking

Perhaps it was my style, and I just needed to donate some old clothes and get a few new items.

So, I did that.

Perhaps it was my room that no longer represented who I was.

So, I ended up turning my room into a project.

I got rid of some items that I felt were only taking up space and I got some artwork and

plants instead, which was nice and brought me a temporary feeling of joy, but it wasn’t enough.

Perhaps I just didn’t belong in Sweden anymore.

But for that one, unlike clothes and decorations, I couldn’t really find out, at least not yet.

I came across a quote by Brené Brown that goes

“Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves

to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.”

I started thinking about two things:

First, can you really present your authentic self unless you know yourself?

Perhaps that was the reason so many people felt like no one understood them—because they

didn’t really understand themselves.

And second, how often are we doing that is expected of us, versus doing what we actually

want to be doing?

Here’s why that matters.

We are heavily influenced by our environment. Everything from the way we think to the way we behave and feel.

If you’re choosing your environment based on what you want, you are likely to end up at a place

where you are going to feel a sense of belonging. Either with the people or just with the surroundings.

On the other hand, if you choose your environment based on what you think is expected of you,

you are likely to end up at a place where you don't feel like you belong. Not with the people and not with the surroundings.

Think of your job, your education, your group of friends, your family.

Think of how you spend your days and your weekends. And ask yourself, how much time are you spending doing what you actually want to be doing? And how much time are you spending doing what is expected of you?

I decided to focus on those two things. Getting to know myself better and embracing my own path, not someone else's.

So I started with asking myself questions about my fears, and insecurities, loves, hopes and dreams.

If some questions were left unanswered, I sought them out in books and through experiences,

through trying new things and exploring new topics.

And as for embracing my own path, I stopped trying to mold myself into someone I was not.

I wasn’t going to throw a big dinner party for my birthday because that was expected,

because that’s what you’re supposed to do on your birthday.

I wanted to cook and play boardgames. So that’s what I was going to do.

As time passed, I eventually started to feel closer to home.

But even when I felt so close, I couldn’t help but wonder.

What if no matter how at home I felt in Sweden, I just wouldn’t feel complete, because I

wasn’t where I was actually supposed to be? I knew I had to find out, so I went back. To Los Angeles.

And it was wonderful. It was home.

But so was Sweden. I felt equally complete being in LA as I did being in Stockholm.

I had thought that being there would be the last piece of the puzzle. Well, as it turned out, LA wasn’t the answer.

The answer was that feeling at home isn’t exactly about where in the world you are,

it’s about realizing that home is a person. It’s you.

No matter where in the world. And no matter how cheesy that sounds. The difficult part is figuring out who you is.

And realizing that was the last piece of the puzzle.

The feeling of belonging is similar to the feeling of love. it’s something we’re always searching for.

Perhaps we find it early in life and it lasts forever, perhaps we find it and lose it again soon, perhaps we lose it over and over again.

Perhaps we haven’t even found it yet once yet. And that’s just the circle of life. What’s important is to never stop looking.